You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

Two more silly guess-what-shocking-and-hilarious-thing-my-child-said stories.

Last week while shopping at Whole Foods, Max spotted a towering display created of cases of individual serving packs of Horizon chocolate milk. Now, I don’t care of he has one on occasion, although I would rather he did not, but know from previous experience that a case of these sugary dairy drinks results in at least 24 requests for a hit each day. Uh, no.

Mooooom! I want to buy these choklad mucks!

No, we’re not buying those. Come back over here and help me push the cart.

NO!…(foot stomping)…. I am buying them.It is MY GODDAMN BUSINESS!

Of course I had an audience, so I plastered on a smile and in my best faux positive parenting voice replied

Max, when you’re 18 and have a job, then you can buy all the chocolate milk you want. But not today. Let’s go.

But, I AM 18. stomp…stomp…and I HAVE A JOB!


A few minutes ago, Max barged into the bathroom in time to see me unwrap a panty liner and stick it to my underwear.

What happened?

Mommy has her period. This catches the blood. Like a Band-Aid. Women sometimes bleed from their vag*nas. It doesn’t hurt, and it’s not something you have to worry about.

Maybe when I’m older?

No, boys and men do not get their period. You do not have to worry about bleeding when you’re older.

Oh….Mommy……did your penith fall off?

Sigh. No, I do not have a pen*s. Only men have pen*ses. Like you and Daddy.

Daddy TOOK your penith? (look of horror)

No. Only men and boys have pen*ses. Mommy never had a pen*s. Girls do not have pen*ses.

Well.. that’s not true……the girls in the hotel do!


5 responses to “You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

  1. silly boy! Boy1 is always asking where my pen*s is and where did I put mine? Is it in the closet? Under the bed?

  2. Well, he does have a point about the pen*ses.

  3. Just exactly which hotels are you staying at? I wanna stay there! LOL!

  4. My father enjoyed these.

    The other night we were out for a walk, and Vivian points up and says

    “Mommy! It’s the Big Diaper!”


  5. I think I stayed in that hotel once.

    Max is cute-tastic, as usual.

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