Top Ten Questions I Have Fielded Today

10. Why don’t jellyfish have eyes?
9. (In Trader Joes) Where is the frozen dog? Mommy, what animal eats dogs?
8. How do worms poop?
7. When you were little, did you have to use tossitories?
6. Mommy, do you put chemicals in your mouth? (I think he means mouthwash.)
5. Not a question, but up there: Mommy, I know a dead person. She’s your fwend before college. She’s always happy and she has freckles and she says hello. Also? She’s not worms. She’ll be OK. *
4. How many books are in the library? Why?
3. When are you going to grow a beard? When you’re a man?
2. Can I have ketchup for my pancakes, please?
1. When the Mommy and Daddy do the special hug, does the placenta do a special hug too?

*Eerily close description of my friend Beth, who died in a car accident when she was 18.

Bonus just now: What is macaroni and cheese made out of?

Add your own.

And pass the margaritas.

11 responses to “Top Ten Questions I Have Fielded Today

  1. “Mommy, did you eat that baby in your belly?”

    Here’s one that isn’t a question:

    husband: Isn’t that Jamie Lynn Spears? Isn’t she pregnant?

    Three-year-old: Yeah, isn’t she PREGNANT?

  2. I have fielded none today as I don’t have the right age kids for this…But some of my more memorable ones from Dear Oldest?

    Did I used to have 2 penises and if so did mine fall off too? – In response to our 3rd baby’s umbilical cord falling off.

    When can I take MY teeth out – IN response to my father letting my son see he had dentures.

    Do Chapanese people pee in the ocean like we do? What does their pee pee ocean taste like?

    Does the ocean have pepper in it as well?

    Do the people in the TV come out at night and eat all our food? Do they pee in my toilet?

    He was very obsessed w/ pee for a VERY long time…

    Too funny…So DID your placenta do a special hug?

  3. mine is too bossy to ask questions right now.

  4. “Mom, where was I when you were a little girl?”

  5. Did he get ketchup with his pancakes?

  6. Max also told me he knew a dead person: Grunty’s teacher. (Karrie said one of Grunty’s old teachers died recently, so maybe he heard them talking about it.)

    But the thing about Karrie’s friend Beth was really eerie.

    MamaTried: Yes, he got ketchup with his pancakes. It’s basically corn syrup (like the syrup at the restaurant) plus tomatoes, so it’s slightly better than the regular syrup, in my book. (Kind of the Bill Cosby chocolate-cake-for-breakfast reasoning, but it works.)

    I’ll have to catalog some of Max’s best questions to me. I don’t think they stand up to these, though.

  7. LOL James. I love the Bill Cosby line of reasoning.

  8. The dead people comments are freaking me out! Ivy has always had an imaginary friend and one day, when she was 2.5-3 I asked her where “Gulah” lived. Her response: “in our house before it burned down.”

  9. Isabella Rossellini answered the question, how do worms poop. Have you seen her Green Porno films? GENIUS.

  10. L: “How long have we been this way?”

    Me: (had to think) “The WHOLE time.”

    L: “How many times?”

    Me: “Many, many times.”

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